Check this out – one of the best summaries I have ever read about the how and why of No Contact.
FYI – some well-meaning therapists may interpret your fastidiousness about “No Contact” as unhealthy “avoidant behaviour”. They may or may not be correct, and keep in mind I am NOT a mental health professional, but I suggest doing the following:
– Ask yourself, “Am I instituting ‘No Contact’ frequently? Is this my primary means of dealing with conflict or emotionally charged relational situations?” If it is, you may have some unresolved emotional issues (particularly from past abuse that you may not yet recognize as such – anything from emotional abandonment by your parents to being bullied in school to intimate relationships with manipulative individuals). This is totally okay – sometimes No Contact, at least temporarily, is good in situations with “normal” people, because it gives you the emotional space to get your own shit together, to process your emotions away from ongoing interpersonal pressures, and to spend time taking care of yourself and your needs. But if No Contact is your go-to, one-size-fits-all tactic, a good therapist can help you take the steps to incorporate more healthy strategies in dealing with difficult situations. Think of this as getting more tools for your toolbox – so you have more and better options available to you for any number of situations that may arise, tools that indeed, can include No Contact when necessary.
– Document, as objectively as possible, incidents involving the person you have chosen to go No Contact with, preferably as close to the time of the incident(s) as possible. Try to leave your emotions out of it, and stick to dates, times, what was said, any witnesses present, what behaviours occurred. Save (but do not obsessively re-read) emails, texts, Facebook comments, etc. from the person you have gone No Contact with. Some may disagree with this idea, but my experience around it is that data and documentation – the “facts” that led you to decide to go No Contact – are important in supporting YOURSELF in the face of outside pressure to break No Contact, because often there were no witnesses when you were abused. Seeing data and documentation helps you to better see the behavioural patterns of the N/P, so you can also recognize it in future relationships earlier. And, if ever you need to pursue legal action involving your N/P, documentation will be crucial to you supporting your position.
“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” ~ George Santayana